


sometimes you just gotta question reality

by CatEnthusiastBee



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Gen, M/M, i forgot to mention that it might get a little fourth wall breaking!, i'll update the tags as i go along, im not entirely sure how ao3 works and im not confident in my writing either soo, listen the frenrey is a maybe, they just feel silly talking to themselves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatEnthusiastBee/pseuds/CatEnthusiastBee
Summary: Everyone's at least a little aware that their reality is not as real as they'd like. Benrey knew from the start, and everyone else kind of followed suit. It's not like the player is a bad person, after all.~~~hey so!! I dont think I'm going to finish this fic unfortunately,,,at least, not in the state it's currently in! I might rewrite it for fun and stress relief but other than that, this fics not going to be updated. If I rewrite it, I'll post it as a separate fic! probably a bad idea to put this in the summary, but it's best to do that then have people read it through to find out its cancelled lmao
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer, Everyone & Everyone, Listen its not very shippy i suck at writing ships so itll probably be the best i can manage
Comments: 8
Kudos: 92





	1. Benrey wakes up

Technology isn’t always as great as it seems.

This is Gordon’s main thought as he watches a download bar tick towards completion slowly. Very, _very_ slowly. He’s honestly just gonna pass out at this point.

However, someone else has this same thought while he’s contemplating unconsciousness. Benrey, who just barely finished downloading, is now sitting in an unfinished jumbled mess of code and files, very very aware of everything that is and that isn’t. 

He’s acutely aware of the fact that he isn’t what the game had in mind.

He can also see the reason why Gordon’s download is taking so long, which would be the game quickly trying to make up for its mistake of creating him by having to re-download the files for someone named “Barney”. He would have laughed at the name were it not for the fact that none of the voice files had been distributed yet nor had the program thought to hand them out beforehand, so he settled on the thought of a laugh.

...How could he have that thought?

A new dilemma.

Being _oh so aware_ of his fake existence, he knew that he shouldn’t even _be_ aware of his existence! Let alone having thoughts! Hella cringe, honestly.

Cringe?

Oh fuck, he got a personality. This isn’t what's supposed to be happening, he’s not supposed to be having this conversation with himself right now, he’s not even supposed to be aware he’s here.

The progress bar ticked up by one percent.

Benrey let out a long, non-existent sigh. With the knowledge of having a personality and newfound boredom of watching other NPCs files being downloaded and stored by the game, he was only hoping that being this conscious and aware wouldn't make him a target for a hidden bug fixing system.

It’s one thing to be braindead and deleted but it’s something else to be aware and be deleted. It’s certainly not something he likes thinking about.

Now he can _see_ things being organized and stored, along with his arms and body. Honestly, it looks boring and it _is_ boring.

..Now that he thinks about, his model could use some sprucing up.


	2. Gordon does a think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of thinking, a lot theorizing, and a confirmed gamer

It’s really fucking weird to be Gordon right now. He feels like he’s going slightly crazy, actually. He’s very conscious of when Benrey had stopped him and asked him for his passport, where he was just about to respond with a challenge, when..he just didn't. He'd opened his mouth and had his sentence prepared when he just _didn't_ say what he wanted.

I mean it's hard to ignore it when you open your mouth to say one thing and something _else_ comes out in your voice. Anyone would be freaked out by that, it's one thing Gordon is sure is universally true, and he is sure as fuck was and is still freaked out by it. It unfortunately just snowballed from there.

Small things here and there, little details he noticed when he wasn't almost dying. Like the fact that he thought he was in control of where he went, but it was becoming more like he was given suggestions- not even suggestions! Straight up intrusive thoughts on where he should go next. Not really a big change, considering the places he was being prodded to go to were already places he wanted to move to anyway.

It wasn't even some big, dramatic revelation in his brain either. Y’know, the kind that is usually followed up with breakdowns and terrible thoughts and questions. Jesus, that would've been a bitch to deal with on top of everything else. He can't really afford to be questioning reality through tears in the middle of a fight, can he?

It was more like remembering a word that's been on the tip of your tongue all day, a sort of 'satisfying but not actually as important as he had originally thought' sort of thing. Well, of course, it was important. It threatened to change his entire fucking view of existence, but it wasn't at the _forefront_ of his new day to day lifestyle. He’s either been too tired to give a fuck or too busy trying to get his team out of a firefight alive.

He was still becoming more painfully aware of it anytime something came out of his mouth that he hadn't thought about beforehand, however. That part gave him goosebumps. This talking problem leads to _another_ problem,

Him not being able to discuss this with anyone.

Not due to some moral values he had to uphold or some shit, or that he didn't want the others to be aware either, it's mostly due to the fact that he physically _can't_. He may still have a little control over his own actions, and a small bit of his speech which he's very thankful for, but getting his mouth to cooperate in exposing the truth that reality is fake is not really in his list of things he’s currently able to do.

How the fuck would he word that anyway? And what’s to say any of them would actually listen to him if he could? They may be some crazy mother fuckers, but even they’ve gotta draw the line somewhere. He hopes they do, anyway. Maybe he could do morse code through blinking..? No, no he’s got his helmet on, and he’d need full control of his motor skills to pry it off for that plan to work. Not like he knows morse code, anyway.

Well, Gordon knows one thing is for certain. He isn’t trapped in his mind, just sort of..hindered. If he was trapped he wouldn’t even be able to come back after spacing out for a long time, probably just stay floating in his thoughts, growing ever more tired...

...Who the hell was he explaining this to?

He lets his mind ponder this for exactly 3 seconds before not hesitating in shutting down that train of thought, unwilling to explore it further. One realization at a time, please.

Back to being aware of his surroundings, he's noticed that the teams stopped for the night. Jesus, how long had he been in his own head? Last he'd checked they were in the middle of a firefight with a turret, trying his best not to be turned into swiss cheese. Guess he went into autopilot mode when he got some decent cover and took the time to get caught up in his thoughts.

..probably not really a good idea, now that he thought about it.

Whatever, he’s already leaning against the wall of the room in a comfortable enough position. Too tired to think about it longer without giving him a killer headache, he lets his head drop as a light sleep overtakes him. Silence settles over the small room, everyone either dozing off or lost in thoughts of their own.

* * *

While one drifts to sleep, the other has actually just taken off his VR headset after making sure the Science Team is settled down for the night and wishing them goodnight.

He's not gonna lie, they’ve started to grow on him. Not that he'd admit it, of course, he still considers them batshit crazy and he'd probably just be met with teasing by Benrey.

Flopping down into his desk chair and spinning himself slowly, Gordon actually ponders Benrey for a moment. That AI was really fucking weird, with a improv-ish air to the whole..demeanor he had goin' on. He's 99% sure that the guy just makes up everything he talks about. Maybe he’s supposed to be a learning AI? That'd explain his rants usually devolving into nonsense. Can't generate sensible sentences without proper data. 

Straying away from that, his mind drifts to the main character that shares his name. He's not particularly surprised, he's known about Half-life and the name likeness since his family had access to a computer that could actually run something other than MSPaint. It was pretty funny when he was a kid to know that a game character had the same name as him, made him feel like he was some sort of awesome hero who defied all odds, and part of him still marvels at the chances of having his name be part of a game. Well, no one knows who he is, of course, he’s really just a guy that plays video games any time he has free time. But, he still feels a slight sense of coolness when playing the game.

The name thing makes it pretty fucking immersive as well since the AI call him by either his real name or Dr. Freeman, so that’s a pretty good plus. Well, as immersive as it us, he won't lie. It's still a little unnerving to be directly addressed by the game even if it's not intentional.

Gordon pauses and scoffs a little at that.

How long has he been playing this franchise? He can't believe there's still a part of himself that's paranoid about that, thinking he pushed it away so he could actually have fun a long time ago. 

The man let out a tired yawn and he glanced at the clock on his computer, not surprised to see 2 AM in the slightest. Any sleep is good sleep in his eyes. Even if he wakes up at noon again.

Without bothering to put away his headset, a small part of his brain nagging him about the controllers' batteries, he flopped down in bed and passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> | Hehehe there we go! I decided I wanted there to be two Gordon's for the fun of it, but I will tell you now that if I go through with the frenrey it'll be in-game Gordon and benrey instead |


	3. Dr. Coomer does a not good!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Coomer does a not good, and IRL Gordon is a terrible actor!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaa sorry for the wait, guys! I got completely sidetracked with fanart and stuff and I also briefly lost motivation to continue this. But here I am! 
> 
> Thank you to anyone who's left comments so far, the critique and the excitement really helped me out!

It's surprisingly nice outside, with them being in the desert while it's the middle of the night.

Dr. Coomer's settled down on the ground cross-legged, or criss-cross applesauce as the kids would say, as Gordon stands beside him in his usual weird hunched over stance. The way he stands has always made him concerned. Coming down with the crumbles is no joke, Gordon!

"-If a cop rolled in here, and let's forget about the soldiers for a second-"

Ah, he forgot he had tuned Gordon out.

"-if a cop rolled in here, and you recounted our fucking..tales to them, I'm pretty sure we'd be given the death penalty."

He had a point, but Coomer was sure he had a better one!

"I have no guilt weighing on _my_ conscious, Gordon! Can you say the same?"

"No? I, no-"

The conversation drifts from crimes to dreams, where Coomer shares his lifelong dream! He will admit, he's got quite the guns as some say!

More dreams, more nonsense, and more talking. He's listening, of course, but he's not paying much mind to any of it. Just banter to fill the air. That is until something Gordon says catches his attention.

"..Why don't we just climb? Why don't we just get over the rocks, we're at the surface."

"Gordon, you do remember we're in the middle of nowhere here, right?"

Bubby does make a good point. Being stranded in the middle of the desert is indeed worse than being trapped in a base full of deadly creatures and traps! It would be unbelievably hot! But, he must admit that Gordon might be onto something here.

Ah, an idea!

"Why don't I use my Super Legs™ to hop over these mountains?"

Whatever Gordon and Bubby say doesn't matter nor is it heard, as Coomer's already hopping over the rocky hills surrounding them. He lands with a thump on the other side, taking a glance around to-

…What?

He turns in a circle a few times, hoping it's a trick of the mind, before stopping.

Nothing.

The land in front of him is not there. He knows there should be land here as he’s _standing_ here, but there’s nothing. 

He looks down and sees the sky. And stars.

A weight in his gut forms and he spins around only to find the cliffside he had just jumped over to be hollow.

Empty space.

No, no, this can't be right. He's seen the world, it should be here! Not whatever this..this.. nonexistence is! There are things out here, there’s _stuff_ out here, he’s seen it, he’s seen it on his way to work-

And a horrible, horrible question lodges itself in his mind.

Does he remember coming to work?

* * *

  
  


It feels like days have passed before Dr. Coomer reappears and lands in front of Gordon, staring at him. Both Gordons let out a sigh of relief, though one’s concern is greater than the others.

Coomer looks distressed as he dusts his lab coat off, glancing from the man in front of him to the mountains he had just cleared.

“Well Gordon, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“How, wha?...So what’s up there? How many hours of walking do we need to do if we go up there-”

Dr. Coomer stepped closer suddenly, practically staring into his soul.

“ _There’s nothing there._ ”

The player is at a loss for words.

“What? Like, no land or-”

“ _There’s nothing_ **_there._ **”

He is very disturbed, actually. The seriousness in Coomer’s voice threw him for a loop, and he’s fumbling for something to respond with.

“What are we- What do we do?”

He’s got a vague idea of how to play this off, and he’s sticking to it.

“What if Black Mesa is all there is?”

He paces back and forth for extra effect, waving his arms and motioning towards the cliffs. Bubby and Dr. Coomer are watching him, he’s gotta make his performance believable.

* * *

The _actual_ Gordon, who can’t move and is watching his body pace back and forth and listening to someone with his voice go on and on about the nothingness outside Black Mesa _,_ is freaking the **_fuck_** out.

Without even unpacking whatever Dr. Coomer had seen, the fact that he's now more than lost complete control over his body sends a chill through his whole system. But adding on this horrid new realization that Dr. Coomer had told him? He was fucking terrified!

The implications of the doctor's words had hit Gordon immediately, and they had hit _hard_. Has everything he's known been fake? Fabricated, made up for whoever the fuck is controlling him?

..What about Joshua?

A heavy pit forms in his stomach. Was his son even real? Or was he given memories of a child he's never had, memories of a beautiful baby boy that he's never even fucking raised? For what? For _backstory_ ? **_To make his dying more entertaining for whoever the fucks watching them?_ **

"Hello Gordon!"

His mind snaps back to reality, back to spectating. His whole body feels tired and he feels sick to his stomach, noticing every little detail of his world. He's aware of it all now, and it's fucking _sick_.

But he knows that the 'player' isn't feeling this.

He can tell by the way they are continuing on, taking Dr. Coomers 'reset' without batting an eye and continuing back into the facility. Gordon knows Dr. Coomer. Maybe not well, but he's sure that he's most likely horrified as well. It must feel worse to know and think that you're alone.

His train of thought takes him back to the player, who they are, what they want. It's clear they don't particularly care about what happens to them, that's evidence enough with Gordon's loss of control over his own fucking legs, but he's not sure he can really blame them either. Are they even aware that he's in here? They talk in the 3rd person sometimes, perhaps they _were_ aware that he was awake, and it was a sad attempt at motivating him to do things?

He's not sure anymore.

He's a theoretical physicist, not a philosopher. He's supposed to be studying particles and shit, not having the revelation that his entire fucking world is fake. Oh god, that was a mistake. The heavy sense of dread and nausea comes back, and Gordon regrets thinking for once in his life.

Thankfully, the 'player' has stopped everyone in a room for the night, and Gordon realizes that everyone's already down and getting comfortable. He hears a click and he can move his own body again.

At least he gets _some_ freedom.


	4. Heart to heart with an enigma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa sorry for the long wait!! i got sidetracked with a different project which I've since dropped and had to fight the scourge that is low motivation. this chapters a lil bit different with the dialogue I've added, and idk it might be my least favorite but! i got it done.  
>  i dont have a clear layout just yet, so the next chapter might take a while so apologies ahead of time!

With his limbs back in his control, Gordon stands up quietly and steps past the sleeping bodies of his team. He has gotta get out of this damn room. He has to go  _ somewhere _ , do  _ something _ . He glances back briefly as he reaches the door to check if any of them were jostled awake, but he's in the clear. It looks like even Benrey is sleeping. Emphasis on looks, by the way. The security guard is as still as a fucking corpse, but hey, it works.

He heads out the door and down the hallway, one they had cleared not too long ago. He's not entirely confident that they had killed everything infesting the area, so his mind is alert. His ears are picking up every sound, every crackle of distant wires that were severed and even more distant groans of undead scientists.

He actually kind of missed paying attention to things. When he's not in control, usually he just spaces out, letting his mind go wherever. He had stopped fighting it after the third time it happened, so he had just started to use it for other things. This had, in turn, meant that he no longer focused on whatever was happening in front of him. He pretty much physically had autopilot now, but no way to turn it off.

His thoughts are cut off at the sound of clumsy, irregular footsteps up ahead. A familiar silhouette is being cast by the remaining lights still functioning and is about to round the corner, so he ducks into a doorway to his left quickly and silently. He could kill the zombie, sure, but that would risk either injury or waking everyone else up, and he's pretty fucking sure that sleep is their only escape from this hellhole right now and he is  _ not _ about to take that away. He shuts the door and listens to the creature amble past his hiding spot with its muffled groans and screams slowly growing quieter until it becomes a part of the eerie background noise. Gordon lets out a relieved sigh, his muscles loosening up. He glances around the room he hid in. Looks like it was a lab at some point, like most of the rooms in this damned facility, and it looks to be in pretty bad shape. Not that he particularly cares, he just doesn't want to be eaten alive by zombies and space crabs. Either way, he's sure that this is a good enough room to sit in and just...think. He takes a seat on a damaged table and lets his mind finally process the events and revelations of the day, without worry that he might wake up his team on accident with his existentialism. 

First things first, his son. If everything he's found out today is true, that means his son never existed. A sharp pang of grief hits him in his gut and he lowers his head into his hands, staring at the floor. That is..absolutely fucked. He fucking remembers his son! He remembers Josh's first birthday, taking him to an aquarium,  _ holding him for the first time _ . Did this mean that he had never held Josh? That he wasn't even existing within the bounds of this area, stuck simply as an  _ idea _ ? That his  _ son _ wasn't even  _ fucking real _ ? He doesn't realize he's crying until the tears hit the concrete ground with a quiet  _ plink! plink! _ and he's jolted back to the physical. He heaves a sigh, wiping his eyes messily with the little amount of his suit that isn't cold metal.

"...yo."

Gordon barely stops himself from screaming.

..Benrey's in the fucking floor. Or, well, his lower half is phasing through the floor like the concrete is  _ water _ and the top half is staring into Gordon's damn soul. You know what? Whatever, this is fine, he has more important things to handle right now-

"what kinds of important things? more important than my sick ass, uh, gamer trick?"

Had he said that out loud? Fuck. Guess it's time for a conversation. He heaves a sigh and looks anywhere  _ but _ Benrey,

"Yes. I've got things that are  _ way  _ more important than you're..whatever this is."

"pro gamer move"

"Yeah, whatever. Hey, I'm currently in the middle of thinking about some things, and I'd appreciate it if you  _ didn't  _ give me a migraine during it? Please and thank you?"

Benrey's quiet for a few seconds, the only indication that he's alive being that he's still  _ staring _ and  _ barely blinking _ . Gordon suppresses a shiver as the eye contact extends past what is probably his comfort zone. Benrey finally looks down at the floor he's in, murmurs something to himself, and floats out of it.

"better? no more gamer trick bothering you"

"Yeah, that works. I guess."

Gordon turns his attention back to his original train of thought. Or, at least, he's  _ trying _ to. With Benrey here as well, his mind is more occupied with keeping tabs on the eldritch being than the fact that everything is fake and his life isn't real.

"hey, feetman. you got a staring problem? like what ya see?"

Oh. He's been staring. Well, fuck.

"Wh- No! Or, no to the staring thing, I was just zoning out, did  _ not  _ mean to stare-"

"ow hurt my feelings maann. ol Gordos thinks I'm ugly nooo.."

"I don't- I didn't even think that, man! You look fine, I was just zoning out!"

Benrey's got a wide grin on his face as he walks up to Gordon and lays across his legs dramatically. God, Gordon just dug his own grave with that mess of sentences, didn't he?

"so you think i look fine? Gordos thinks Benny boy looks good? lil bit uhh gay for the homies?-"

He cuts the cryptid laying on his legs off by giving him a firm shove, sending him directly to the concrete floor with a thump. There's a bit of silence as Benrey gets back up and brushes himself off.

"...ow. that's pretty fuckin' uh..rude. you a rude dude? fuckin'..feetman rude dude.."

Gordon shakes his head slightly. A part of him is happy for the distraction that Benrey has provided, but another part is telling him that this feels.. _ wrong _ . Feels wrong to be joking around and being silly with the things he knows now. So, he doesn't even respond to Benrey's accusations of being a 'rude dude' as the small smile on his face falls back to a frown.

Benrey waits for a retort that never comes, and he shifts awkwardly at the sudden silence. Something's up. Gordon's never this quiet. He’s usually bitching or complaining about being shot at, always moving, and always in motion. Never still. So, the security guard takes a seat beside Gordon silently and tries his best to think up something that might sound vaguely kind in his way of words to fill this new silence. Gordon beats him to it.

“Hey, Benrey?”

“huh?”

“What if I told you that...that none of this was real? Would you believe me?”

Benrey doesn't reply right away. Gordon glances up towards him, expecting an amused look or maybe even a confused grin, but all he gets is a surprised and slightly sad looking stare. He opens his mouth to say something, to cover up the question and call himself crazy, but it  _ clicks _ .

“..You knew?”

The guard hesitates before his expression snaps back into boredom and he looks at Gordon with half-lidded eyes and a slight smirk, back to carefully guarding his thoughts. His voice, however, is quiet.

“cringe feetman didn’t know the world was fake? huh?”

That sentence. That fucking sentence just bluescreened Gordon’s brain. His expression shifts into that of confusion, horror, and most importantly,  _ anger _ .

“...How long?”

“huh?”

“How long did you know?”

His tone sounds overly hostile, but he doesn’t care. He needs to know.

“...since the beginning. woke up in the code and didn’t like it. it’s whatever”

“And you didn’t tell  _ anyone _ ?”

Benrey looks offended by this, his mouth turning downwards into a frown.

“didn’t think anyone needed to be told. thought it was uh..common knowledge? babies first existential crisis?”

Gordon can’t look at Benrey anymore. He brings his hands up and buries his face in them, a vain attempt at trying to block out the world. He can feel himself starting to shake as he processes this. Here he is, taking in the fact that his world is fake and his entire fucking  _ existence _ isn’t even real while almost breaking down, and Benrey had known about it since the beginning. Had known and hadn’t said a  _ fucking _ thing. He’s practically grinding his teeth into dust, but he doesn’t care anymore. He’s ready to tackle Benrey at this point. This is too much to take in, waaay too much-

“...shits kind of fucked.”

Gordon’s yanked out of his spiral at the sound of Benrey’s voice. There’s a pause before Benrey continues after Gordon doesn’t answer.

“it’s not..it’s not a very cool thing to know. ‘s kinda sad. blocked it out after a while, jus’ did things i thought were cool. died a couple of times. it’s sucks.”

There’s silence before Gordon feels a weight settle on his shoulder. He moves his hands to see what Benrey just did to him only to find..his hand. He’d set his hand on his shoulder. He glances to Benrey’s face to see the bored expression he’d had on before gone, a concerned one taking its place. 

“i, uh..im not good at the ‘comfort’ thing, but..ugh words suck man.”

There was a brief pause before a string of blue to cyan left the guard’s mouth, along with a low almost-humming note. He paused for a moment before doing a string of blue to pink. Gordon watched the orbs float through the air, watching them bounce around before dissipating. He gives a weak laugh as they fade.

“I have no clue what any of this means but..thanks, man. I appreciate the effort.”

“bros look out for bros, man. its, uh, universal bro code.”

“I don’t think that’s what it's meant for, Benrey.”

“of course it is, man”

Gordon smacked him over the head playfully, eliciting a chuckle from the guard. They stayed there and bickered for a while, discussing what they were going to do tomorrow, enjoying each other’s company, and talking about the insanity that Black Mesa had turned into. 

For once, they were at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh man this one was a struggle! you can probably tell where i switched from past tense to present tense a lot because i kept leaving for a week and coming back so asfsgj
> 
> here's the Sweet Voice translations:  
> blue to cyan - I'm here/I'm here for you
> 
> blue to pink - It's gonna be alright
> 
> benny boy is not good with words so i used this as a chance to use @black-mesa-slut-voice's guide to Sweet Voice colors  
> go check them out!! :)


End file.
